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The Hardest Year of My Life, 2019
As the hours, minutes and seconds wind down on a year that has been unlike any other in my life, I smile to myself because I’m still here.
Here’s a quick breakdown of the hardest year of my life:
January – I continued to work really hard in my treatment program and was able to move back to our temporary home in Davie, Florida. I was half way through my life-changing and saving program at an eating disorder treatment center in Miami called Oliver Pyatt Center (OPC).
February – I finished up 3 months at OPC and made it through all 3 levels of their program. I’d gained lots of weight, was a lot healthier and learned a shit ton about my disorder. Oh and I found out that Miami traffic is brutal! By the end of the month, we both were more than ready to head back to the beach near Destin, Florida.
March – My husband and I purchased a fun condo at the best resort in the Miramar Beach, Florida area called Sandestin. Eight days after we closed on the condo, my husband had a Grand Mal seizure. A few days later we were told that he had terminal brain cancer with 12 months to live. He had surgery where the neurosurgeon removed half of the cancer and part of my husband’s brain.
April – As my husband was recovering from his major surgery and we all were trying to deal with his grim stage IV cancer diagnosis, I received news that I also had cancer too. I also had surgery, but for stage I breast cancer. They got all of my cancer during the surgery and 2 lymph nodes as a precautionary measure and thankfully no cancer was found in them.
May – My amazing 19 year-old son, Nick Ocean surprised us with a 3-week visit once he heard about my diagnosis and surgery. He flew 20 hours all the way from his home in Maui. Then my sweet parents came to visit for a week. My husband started his 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. Our wedding anniversary sadly wasn’t celebrated, both of us were depressed and sad and didn’t feel like it!
June – I proudly got to my highest weight that I’d been at in 15+ years. Although, I was “weight restored” there was still a lot of negativity in my marriage and in being around my husband. I seriously contemplated leaving my marriage but resisted and didn’t follow through just yet. I opened up to my husband in a very raw and real way and I didn’t hold back my unhappiness. He was bringing me way down and was so extremely negative to be around. He was also painfully miserable and super-depressed, we were a mess!
July – I started my 4 weeks of radiation treatment. My birthday came around at the end of the month and again we didn’t feel like celebrating. That to me was a major sign that our marriage was in a very bad place. I didn’t hide my feelings about it all and explained how I felt about us. I was starting to think that I would also die if I stayed. He didn’t take any of it well and his treatments aged him 20 years in less than 5 months.
August – I tried hanging in there with my marriage, it was torturous and extremely toxic. I ended up my radiation treatment and soon after I made a very hard decision and left our condo and my marriage that was filled with abuse and domestic violence. I battled for about 3 weeks with the symptoms from my radiation treatment. I’ve never been so tired in my whole life. It took a lot out of me!
September – I filed a “restraining order” (that’s also called an order of protection against domestic violence) against my husband, who I was now separated from. I also asked to be able have my him move out of our condo and for me to move back. I wish I would have filed this back in August so he would have had to leave right away! I also struggle with my eating disorder and literally fight for my life every day.
October – I had my day in court and W-O-N! I was granted the order and the ability to move back into our condo. Half way through the month I happily and proudly moved back in and started to feel at peace fully. I am relieved and start to really feel in control of my life.
November – I celebrate every day even though I am alone, I tell myself at least I am no longer living around someone that terrorized me mentally and emotionally abused me. I was calling all of the shots in my life and was making progress towards getting my health back on track.
December – Every day I remind myself how thankful I am because I fought and beat cancer, I stood up for myself in multiple ways by leaving a very toxic relationship, I had my day in court and realize how grateful I am to still be here and to be alive.
Important Point: throughout this whole year some very amazing things also happened. My support system got a lot stronger. Friends and family came out if the wood works to support and encourage me. It felt truly amazing and it helped me to keep fighting and not give up!
Question: What was the hardest month for you in 2019? What happened? (Comment below)