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Last night, as I laid in bed trying to coax myself to sleep, I had an epiphany. You know, one of those bright spotlight type of moments when something just clicks and makes crystal clear sense.
I’ve been learning more about major starlets of the 1940’s-1960’s in the last month by watching movies and reading up on classic actresses, such as: Elizabeth Taylor, Hedy Lemarr, Lucille Ball and even Marilyn Monroe.
My ah-ha moment came when I connected with how these women suffered because of being in bad relationships, like I have and how they wanted to be loved and seen for who they were so badly.
I know that I am not a world-famous actress, but as a strong, independent woman, I share some amazing similarities with the powerful ladies listed above.
Each of the women were mesmerized, infatuated and some may say they were even hypnotized by the powers of love.
When Elizabeth Taylor went into drug and alcohol treatment, she regularly attended a support group. In one of her sessions, another patient explained how she had been married multiple times and how she figured out that she was “addicted to love.”
Elizabeth was quoted as saying “she never really looked at it that way” but it made sense that she may have the same problem. She ended up getting married 7 times in her lifetime. I wonder if she ever really loved herself fully?
I connected with each of the powerful actresses listed above because they too had been married multiple times in their lifetimes and at the end of their lives, they were sad, broken-hearted, misunderstood and alone. I want to be the opposite of that!
One of my all-time favorite comedians, Lucille Ball was married to Desi Arnaz, a man that was an alcoholic, a big-time womanizer and cheater. And she knew all about it and stayed married to him for years. Did she not know her worth as a major leading lady in her time and as a person? She deserved better but it took her awhile to wake up and smell the cold, bitter ass coffee that she was getting served and then push it away.
I attribute some degree of them pouring all of themselves into their relationships as a sign that they wanted to be treated the same in return, but were oftentimes let down. They would love so much and with such passion that if only this energy was turned and focused on loving themselves, then their stories and mine would be different.
We Show Others How to Love Us
I heard it said that we love others the way we want to be loved. The same goes for how we touch, how we talk to others and how we treat one another and so much more.
I know for me that in my past, I so desperately wanted to be loved by a man that I would do everything I could to make him feel loved. I’d sacrifice and neglect my own needs and feelings to the point that I would slowly disappear into my lover. That’s right, I let myself slowly vanish into the man that I loved and in exchange I would lose myself, my path and my power.
I see now that these desperate attempts to give all of myself and all of the love that I could give, that it was aimed at the wrong people. I needed to love and approve of myself solely and whole-heartedly. I should have made myself the main priority and loved the hell out of myself to the point that I’d then attract someone that (was healthier) also loved themselves very much.
Instead, I attracted users, abusers, narcissists, financial leeches and emotional vampires that enjoyed sucking my soul until it was brittle, cracked and dry.
I am human, like the gorgeous ladies mentioned above and I too have good days and bad days. The key is at the end of the day that I am the one that benefits from putting all of heart, my love and myself into me.
Thankfully, I had enough sense to get the fuck out of those broken, destructive and very hurtful relationships and get a new chance to really love myself now. I get a new opportunity with every new day that I wake up to.
Everyday is a New Beginning
I’m learning how to do things that show myself that I deserve to love myself first and before anyone else. Let me tell you this is a really hard thing to do for myself, after being a single Mom for 18 years and being in and out of shitty relationships for the last 20 years, but goddammit, I deserve the best possible life! We all do!
I’m working on making a life that I absolutely love and am proud of living. Most importantly, I’m looking to myself for love, acceptance, appreciation and care. Because who else is better at making myself feel loved and happy than me?!
No one is better qualified and no one know how best to love me than me.
You should never give your complete power over to no one else, whether they be a male or female. Keep it for yourself and I’ll keep working on learning how to love myself “warts and all!”
I see it all so clearly now and am thankful to have learned this lesson this past month.
Have you ever felt this way in a relationship? If so, what did you do about it? What worked, what didn’t?